{"id":15561,"date":"2022-01-11T06:38:21","date_gmt":"2022-01-11T14:38:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/exhaustnotes.us\/blog\/?p=15561"},"modified":"2022-01-11T21:22:29","modified_gmt":"2022-01-12T05:22:29","slug":"the-perfect-motorcycle-a-specification","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/exhaustnotes.us\/blog\/index.php\/2022\/01\/11\/the-perfect-motorcycle-a-specification\/","title":{"rendered":"The Perfect Motorcycle: A Specification"},"content":{"rendered":"

One of the things that always got a laugh when I worked in the motorcycle business were comments you\u2019d hear from looky-loos who you knew weren\u2019t going to buy (but they liked to act as if they were).\u00a0 These folks wanted to wax eloquent and sound like they knew what they were talking about.\u00a0 \u201cIf only they would (insert motorcycle feature here), I\u2019d buy one in a heartbeat.\u201d\u00a0 If only, indeed.\u00a0 They never did.\u00a0\u00a0My disdain for the above notwithstanding, I thought I\u2019d play.\u00a0 You know:\u00a0 If only they would\u2026and this time I’ll fill in the blanks.\u00a0 \u00a0And with that as a starting point, here’s my specification for the perfect motorcycle.<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0 Tank You Very Much<\/strong><\/p>\n

For me it would have to have a teardrop gas tank that actually is a gas tank (no underseat gas tank silliness on the perfect motorcycle).\u00a0\u00a0 Something like the Bonneville or maybe the Enfield 650.\u00a0\u00a0 Guzzi had the right idea, and maybe the new CSC 400 twin<\/a> is righteous, too.\u00a0 Here a few perfect gas tanks:<\/p>\n

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Wow.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Wow again.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Wow selfified.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

2. Wire Wheels, Please<\/strong><\/p>\n

I like wire wheels.\u00a0\u00a0I know that cast wheels have advantages, but I don\u2019t care.\u00a0 I like spokes.\u00a0 Wire wheels are what my perfect motorcycle needs.<\/p>\n

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It’s the spokes, folks. Nothing else works for me.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Can you picture this ivory classic BMW with cast wheels? Yeah, me neither. Notice the seat height, too. We’ll get to that shortly (pardon that pun).<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

3. Show Me The Motor!<\/strong><\/p>\n

I know fairings have advantages and I’ve owned a lot of motorcycles with fairings, but you need to be able to see the motor on a motor<\/span>cycle.\u00a0 There’s something blatantly weird about faired motorcycles when you take the fairings off:\u00a0 They look like washing machines.\u00a0 I want to see the engine and I want to see fins.\u00a0 Lots of fins.\u00a0 \u00a0And cables and chrome, too.\u00a0 If you want a sterile, all-the-ugly-stuff-hidden vehicle, buy a Prius.<\/p>\n

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The ancestor of all Facebook posters…get it? The Knucklehead?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Fins. Tubes. Polished metal. It all works.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Early excess…a Honda straight six CBX. I owned one of these for awhile. It was glorious. In a stroke of marketing genius, Honda didn’t hide the motor.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Jay Leno’s 1936 Henderson. He bought it from a 92-year-old who was getting a divorce and needed to raise cash, or at least that’s what he told me.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Perfection.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

And while we’re talking about motors, let’s move on to the elephant in the perfect motorcycle conversation:\u00a0 Displacement.<\/p>\n

4. Displacement: Less is More<\/strong><\/p>\n

114 cubic inches?\u00a0 2300 cubic centimeters?\u00a0 That\u2019s automobile territory and then some. As you-know-who would say in one of his rare lucid moments:\u00a0 C\u2019mon, man.<\/p>\n

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BMW? Harley? KTM? Honda?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

If you need something to give expression to your masculinity, buy a pickup truck or a Model 29.\u00a0 Or maybe a 458 Win Mag.\u00a0 For me, something up to maybe 650cc is good.\u00a0 Less would be better, provided it can meet all the other things in this dreamsheet spec.<\/p>\n

5. The Paint<\/strong><\/p>\n

The paint has to be world class.\u00a0 Harley gets that right.\u00a0 Triumph had it right back in the day.\u00a0 Chome and paint works.\u00a0 So does pinstriping.\u00a0 \u00a0Thank God that silly flat black fad passed.\u00a0 Nope, I like paint that looks good.\u00a0 Ever seen a jellybean Ducati?<\/p>\n

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Nobody will ever outstyle the Italians. This one is in the Doffo collection.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

6. We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ LCDs or TFTs!<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t need to sit behind a NORAD computer display.\u00a0 I like two big analog dials; one for the speedometer and the other for the tach.\u00a0\u00a0 The \u201965 Triumph Bonneville had the right idea; the 750 Honda enlarged both and that was even better.\u00a0 Seeing those two big cans sitting just ahead of the handlebars works for me.<\/p>\n

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Speed and RPM: Is anything else really necessary?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

7. Getting Gassed<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019d like a 250-mile range.\u00a0 I stop more frequently, but I\u2019d like the bike to be able to go that far without the fuel light coming on, which I guess means the range needs to be even more than 250 miles.\u00a0 It drives me nuts when the fuel light starts blinking at just over 100 miles and I know there\u2019s still another 50 miles or so left in the tank.<\/p>\n

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You meet fun people in Baja Pemex stops.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

8.\u00a0 Southern Comfort<\/strong><\/p>\n

A comfortable seat is a must, but truth be told, if you spend all day, day after day on a motorcycle, I’ve never found any that are what I would call comfortable.\u00a0 \u00a0If a motorcycle seat can just make the “not uncomfortable” threshold, I’m good.\u00a0 And although I almost never take a passenger on my bike, I’d like to have a bike that seats two.<\/p>\n

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Casual elegance in Xi’an 35 years ago. The right spot at the right time…what photography is all about.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

9. Down and Dirty<\/strong><\/p>\n

You know, I don’t need a GS to go offroad.\u00a0 \u00a0Neither do you.\u00a0 They’re too big, too heavy, and too tall.\u00a0 They look good at a Starbuck’s, but I’m not going to spend $5 for a cup of coffee.\u00a0 I remember back in the day (for me, that would be the 1960s) when we took Hondas and Triumphs and BSAs off road all the time and thought nothing of it.\u00a0 We didn’t call it “adventure” riding, either…we just called it riding. We didn’t need a marketing guy and a decal to make our bikes off road capable.\u00a0 I’ve even gone off road with a Harley Softail, although maybe that was taking things a bit far.\u00a0 I guess what I’m saying is I’d like a bike to be light enough and the seat height to be reasonable, and I’m good to go for any off road requirements that bubble up in my travels.<\/p>\n

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The FLH-AS in the salt fields of Guerrero Negro, B.C.S. “AS” stands for Adventure Scrambler.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

10. Just Say No To Stratospheric Seat Heights<\/strong><\/p>\n

The seat height should not be higher than about 30 inches.\u00a0 An inch or two lower would be even better.\u00a0 I understand that mucho suspension travel is muey macho for some, but a lot of motorcycles have gone crazy.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know anyone with a 37-inch inseam.\u00a0 I don’t know if there are enough basketball players to justify a motorcycle that most of us would need a step ladder to mount.<\/p>\n

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It’s on the AutoCad screens somewhere in Bavaria, you know.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

11. Fat City<\/strong><\/p>\n

Weight should be under 400 pounds.\u00a0 It\u2019s doable, guys.\u00a0 Some of today\u2019s bikes are approaching a thousand pounds.\u00a0 That\u2019s nuts.\u00a0 Under 400 pounds works for me; less would be ever better. If my motorcycle drops, I want to be able to pick it up by myself.\u00a0 The 1966 Triumph Bonneville my Dad rode weighed 363 pounds. If you’ve gotta have the Gold Wing, why not just go for the RV?<\/p>\n

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Yup.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

12. Freeway Capable<\/strong><\/p>\n

We live in the age of the Interstate.\u00a0 Two-lane country roads are nice and they make for good advertising photography, but it’s not the 1950s anymore.\u00a0 Yeah, I try to enjoy back roads, but like everybody else, I get on the freeway when I want to cover big miles.\u00a0 A bike that can cruise comfortably at 75 or 80 mph has to be part of the spec.\u00a0 The funny thing is, you don’t need a monster bike to do that.\u00a0 Gresh and I rode across China on CSC 250cc motorcycles, and about a third of that was freeway driving.<\/p>\n

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Riding the freeways across the Gobi Desert. Note the two-abreast Chinese car carriers.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Gobi Gresh on a Chinese interstate (or should that be interprovince?) highway.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

13. What’s In A Name?<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019d be okay with some kind of alphanumeric quasi-military\u00a0 designation or a cool sounding noun, like Bonneville or Electra-Glide or MT06.\u00a0 The weird noun \u201cINT\u201d adorns my Enfield only because the Mumbai boys didn\u2019t want to take on Honda (they should; Royal Enfield had an Interceptor way before Honda did).\u00a0 I\u2019m okay with a Chinese motorcycle, but it would have to have a good name (Cool Boy<\/em> won’t cut it here).\u00a0 \u00a0The first RX3s in America had a tank panel emblazoned with Speed<\/em> (hey, I can\u2019t make this stuff up); I caught some online flak about that.\u00a0 I countered it by telling the keyboard commandos we wanted Methamphetamine<\/em>, but the font became too small when we tried to fit it on the tank.\u00a0 BSA used to have great names, like Spitfire<\/em> and Thunderbolt<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0 Those could work.\u00a0 Here are a few others I thought you might like to see.<\/p>\n

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Nah. That won’t work.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Nah, that won’t work, either.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Yeah, maybe…<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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The Docker. You could buy matching slacks. You know. Dockers.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Like the candy bar. Sweet!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Zarang me, Zarang me, they ought to take a rope and hang me…<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

14. Pipe Up!<\/strong><\/p>\n

A motorcycle has to be visually and aurally balanced.\u00a0 To me, that includes chrome exhaust pipes on both sides of the motorcycle (like you see on that gorgeous Norton in the big photo above, and in the Beezer below).\u00a0 Low pipes or high, either are okay by me.\u00a0 Back in the 1960s Yamaha had the Big Bear<\/em> (now there’s a great name) with upswept chrome exhausts on either side of the bike and I thought that was perfect.\u00a0 Any of the ’60s British street twins were perfect, especially Triumphs and BSAs.\u00a0 Flat black stamped steel with flanged welds on only one side of the bike (like my KLR 650) are an abomination.<\/p>\n

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British chrome symmetry. We could learn a thing or two from that era.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

And, of course, the ExhaustNote: The perfect motorcycle has to sound like the perfect motorcycle.\u00a0 That means a low rumble, but not something so lopey it sounds like a Harley, and certainly not something that sounds like a sewing machine or (worse yet) a small car.\u00a0 Think mid-60\u2019s Triumph Bonneville.\u00a0 That is a motorcycle that sounds like a motorcycle.<\/p>\n