In N OUt – The ExhaustNotes Blog

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies,” as the frogs like to say.

Susie and I were headed north in the Subie and we stopped at the In-N-Out in Gilroy. I had an Animal Style burger. We had just had a nice telephone conversation with Steve Seidner, CEO of CSC Motorcycles. The two events had me thinking about the California Scooter Steve donated to the In-N-Out foundation. I realized that had been 11 years ago. Time speeds up as we age, I think. It feels like it was yesterday.

Steve donated a custom built bike to the In-N-Out charity auction every year during the California Scooter days, each one painted with a custom theme, with all proceeds going to the In-N-Out Foundation. That year, the good folks at In-N-Out asked us to base the color theme on Melanie Troxel’s In-N-Out funny car.

The 2011 In-N-Out California Scooter was simply magnificent. Chrome Lucky 13 wheels, custom paint, a painted frame, a custom seat…ah, the list went on and on. I watched Lupe and Tony put the In-N-Out bike together and it was a hoot.

That year’s In-N-Out dinner and auction was awesome. I met one of the principals in the In-N-Out founding family who took me in tow and explained what the auction was all about, the prizes, and bit of the family’s background. She is a most charming woman…bright, attractive, and articulate. The CSC bike was the major item to be auctioned that year, she explained, and it brought a good chunk of money into the In-N-Out charitable foundation. I met and chatted with Melanie Troxel, the In-N-Out funny car driver, who is bright, articulate, and attractive (are you sensing a theme?). I asked her what it was like to pilot a funny car, and with a wink, she told me it was over before you realized it.

That was quite a night. Those were good times. And those were interesting little motorcycles. We rode them all the way to Cabo San Lucas and back. Yep, we rode to Cabo and back on 150cc motorbikes (you can read that story here). And it all happened more than a decade ago. It seems like it was yesterday. Or did I mention that already?

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I started writing this bit thinking that I had a good idea for a series of men’s colognes. Then I realized: In my entire 68+ years on this planet, I’ve never used cologne, and I can’t remember hanging around any guys who ever did. So I started thinking…my thoughts for this blog hovered around aromas I enjoy, so maybe these should be women’s colognes. Whatever. There’s a request at the end: We’d like to know your thoughts, too. Got any suggestions?

In-N-Out. I can’t drive by an In-N-Out Burger during business hours without inhaling that delightfully inviting aroma of grilled onions, beef, French fries, and the other good things the In-N-Out folks have assembled into what is unquestionably the best meal in town. And every time I do, I have to fight the temptation to pull in and get an Animal Style burger. A perfume capturing this fragrance might be the best advertising for In-N-Out ever. It would drive me nuts. Here’s my vote for the name: Oil of In-N-Out. Or maybe Eau de In-N-Out. Whaddaya think?

WD-40. Ah, another great fragrance. It actually stands for Water Displacement No. 40, and that’s because it’s the 40th formulation the WD-40 company tried before they arrived at the perfect compound for displacing water, acting as a lubricant (no emails, please; I know it’s not a replacement for gun oil), a cleaner, and Lord only knows what else. WD-40 is the kiss of death around any kind of epoxy bonding, soldering, or welding operation (in fact, many of my failure analysis activities centered on getting WD-40 out of high-tech cleanroom environments), but it’s perfect for just about anything else. And, as is the point of this blog, it smells good. It would make a great perfume, I think. WD-40 is a silicone-based lubricant, so somehow silicone has to figure into the name. Help me out here, folks!

Sausage and Peppers. This has got to be another classic aroma. Who has ever smelled sausage and peppers (maybe with a little onion thrown in) on the grill without getting hungry? I love that smell and I find it inviting. As a cologne? Yeah, it would work. I don’t know that I could get Sue to use it, but ladies, take my word on this….that aroma works. The only problem might be finding the right name. Maybe we could go Italian and call it Salcicci y Peperoni, you know, to give it a Continental flair. Yeah, that could work. Salcicci y Peperoni, sold in fine stores everywhere.

Hoppes No. 9. I love that smell. I would probably have become a gun nut even if I wasn’t fascinated by guns just to have a reason to use Hoppes No. 9. It hints of good times past and present, and it’s an aroma that reaches back decades. If there are any perfume or cologne companies out there reading this, pay attention to this one, folks. You don’t need to spend big bucks on market studies or focus groups…I’m telling you, this is the one. All I ask is that if you bring a Hoppes cologne to market, tell me about it a few weeks before you do. I’ll buy as many shares of your stock as I can. Eau de Hoppes. That’s great. Oh, yeah, I’ve used the Eau de thing already for In-N-Out. Here’s one that’s even better: Love Potion No. 9. I can hear the advertising jingle already.

Fresh Cut Grass and Gasoline. This is a weird one, but it works. I’m remembering east coast summer evenings when I had to mow the grass back on the ranch. The smell of gasoline and fresh cut grass somehow just works. Maybe it’s because of the memories I have of those pleasant New Jersey summer evenings, fireflies, and mowing the lawn. The trick was to wait until well after dinner when things cooled off, and to start early enough to get the whole thing done before it got too dark. To twist a phrase from Robert Duvall, I love the smell of gasoline and fresh cut grass in the evening. I’m having a bit of a problem coming up with a catchy name, though. Any suggestions?

Two Stroke Exhaust. I already have the perfect name for this one: Blue Smoke. I think it’s perfect. Admittedly, it would have to be an acquired taste; folks either love that smell or they hate it. I’m in the former camp. I’ve only ever had one ring-dinger my entire life, but I remember going to the half-mile dirt track races when the 250s were running, and in those days, the 250s were all ring-dingers. You could smell the exhaust as soon as you entered the parking lot outside the stadium back then, and it was exciting. It promised good things to come. Yeah, this could work.

Bacon. Hey, who doesn’t like bacon? The challenge here is a name that doesn’t make the person wearing it sound like a porker. Hmmm. The Italian word for bacon is, well, bacon. And the Italian word for lard is lardo. Nope, neither one of those will work. Ah, but the Spanish. Bacon becomes tocino. I can hear it now. Adorn yourself with the gentle yet intoxicating and inviting fragrance of Tocino. Indeed, that works well.

Chili. This one is a maybe. Personally, I love the aroma of a well-seasoned chili, especially if it’s done in a slow cooker and the flavor fills the house. It could be beef, venison, a decent cut of wild boar, elk, whatever. The meat is almost secondary to making a great chili. Red chili flakes, tomatoes, onions, Anaheim chili peppers, and cumin. Cumin’s the thing that makes a good chili great. Maybe that could be the name. Cumin. Yeah, I like it. Cumin. Put a little spice in your life. What do you think?

Coffee. The best coffee in the world comes from Puerto Rico. If you don’t believe me on this, I don’t care. I know. Two Popes ago, Pope John (that’s right, the guy in the Vatican) used to send his jet to Puerto Rico regularly to pick up coffee. I’ve been in Colombia, and while their coffee is good, it’s not Puerto Rican coffee (no offense, Juan Valdez). But any coffee will do first thing in the morning (even Gresh’s powdered Nescafe), and I think everyone can agree (regardless of where you fall on the political or geographic spectrum) that a strong coffee fragrance early in the morning has to be one of the best aromas on the planet. They wouldn’t make coffee-flavored ice cream if coffee wasn’t a good idea. And (get this) if you came out with a coffee perfume, the distribution network is already in place. It’s called Starbucks.