We don’t do many listicals here at ExhaustNotes.us. Editorial policy frowns on the cheap, easy list as a lazy man’s way to get attention. However, that doesn’t mean we are completely immune to the meth-like attraction of lists. The thing is, click-bait lists are nearly impossible to get right. Whatever harebrained idea you’ve thought of to generate more clicks, and hopefully shares, will be blown out of the water in the comments section by people much, much smarter than you. And that’s ok, that’s why listicals are so popular. It’s a way to piss people off and generate interest.
Number 1: ABS Brakes
I don’t know which lawyer came up with the idea, but it had to be a lawyer. Full-time Antilock Brake Systems are the single most dangerous feature on modern motorcycles. Just a month ago my buddy forgot to disarm his BMW’s antilock system after a trailside nap. (The BMW system defaults to “on” whenever you shut off the bike.) After we started riding again the trail turned steeply downhill. The steepness of the descent meant that rain washed away any fine sands and left behind large rocks and boulders. His BMW rolled and rolled. All attempts at braking were futile and so naturally he crashed. The bike was basically freewheeling down a rocky hill. At least his BMW had the option to opt out of ABS.
There’s no sicker feeling than panic stomping on the brakes and nothing happens. Any motorcycle that even slightly hints at off road capability should come with a means of disabling the ABS. For that matter practically every street bike has been known to travel a dirt road or two so really all motorcycles should come with the ability to disarm the ABS. These aren’t cars we’re talking about here. Many occasions call for a motorcycle rider to lock up the rear wheel and sometimes (like on that rocky downhill) lock up the front wheel.
Number 2: Keyless Ignitions
Those electronic key fobs are a stupid solution to a problem nobody had. What is wrong with a plain old key? You know, the kind you can have a duplicate made almost anywhere? The stupid electronic-proximity widgets are huge, like the size of a Krispy Kreme doughnut. They are bulky in your pocket and you’ve got to keep a good battery in them just to start your bike! God help you if you ever lose the thing. It will require a dealer’s services and several hundred dollars to program your new Kreme.
Most times I’ve ridden a bike that came with a clunky electronic key fob I ended up leaving the thing in the saddlebag or hidden on the bike somewhere. This defeats the purpose of having any sort of lock on your motorcycle at all but I’d rather have the bike stolen than carry that stupid key fob. I suspect the real reason for the electronic key fob is to allow constant surveillance at the factory level. Didn’t make that latest payment? No problem we’ll disable your ride until you cough up the cash, Highway Rebel!
Number 3: Helmet Communicators
These silly devices allow passenger to operator conversation or communication between groups of riders. Precisely the thing you’re trying to get away from when you ride a motorcycle. Look, if I want to know what you’re thinking, which I don’t, I’ll wave you to a stop and we will discuss it hand to hand. The advertisements for these Zen-terrupters tout range and clarity as if those are aspirational goals. I might buy a set if the manufacturer promised me the damn things would never work.
Some of you find pleasure in the constant road-chatter. Not me, I want you to keep your thoughts to yourself and I’ll do the same. Some of you think that communication devices are a good way to warn back markers about road conditions. That assumes anyone will actually believe you after that last bone-headed move you pulled leaving the Waffle House. Then I’m told they are good for keeping the group together so that stragglers won’t get lost. Has it ever occurred to these pro-communication, Chatty Cathy’s that the stragglers want to get lost? That maybe they are sick of your yapping about fence posts, tar snakes and how you want everyone to stop because you have to pee. Aren’t you old enough to go to the bathroom alone?
Some of my most memorable group-ride dinnertime discussions have been a result of the group breaking up, missing turns, getting lost and arriving at the restaurant with wild stories to tell. That won’t happen if everyone has had the exact same experience. “Did you see the size of that buck?” is met with a flat-toned chorus, “Yes, we all heard over the radio and saw the buck.” rather than “No, but the hitch hikers we picked up when we made that wrong turn robbed us at gunpoint and then Phil ran off with the redhead.” Remember, the best part of riding in a group is being alone.
Number 4: Entertainment Systems
This includes stupid Bluetooth, interconnecting phone features, stupid music systems and stupid, play-pretty graphics that distract a motorcyclist from the main job at hand: staying alive. Riding a motorcycle is dangerous enough without the rider fiddling around with the dash display on his motorcycle. Engine RPM and velocity, along with distance traveled is all the data you need to correctly operate a motorcycle. Page after page of bright, TFT-BS will only make you worry about the minor fluctuations any mechanical device goes through in the normal prosecution of its job.
No one ever cared about their tire pressures until those TPS systems polluted the instrument panels of America. Now it’s like everyone is running Moto GP and 1 psi really matters. Stop it! And if your idea of a fun motorcycle ride is playing with the stereo and poking your thumb at 45 different handlebar buttons maybe you should quit changing the display settings and just stay at home with your younger brother’s Nintendo. The one your parents made him put down in the basement so the noise won’t bother your mom’s overly sensitive ears. Doesn’t it seem like the older she gets the more sound annoys her?
Number 5: One-Piece Riding Suits on the Street
I know some riders swear by one-piece suits but don’t take their opinion on the subject, take mine. I had a one-piece leather suit 43 years ago and the trauma from that experience still haunts me. Many a night I wake up in a cold sweat having to use the restroom but mentally stuck inside a one-piece suit. I can see road racers wearing one piece suits for the extra protection they afford during high-speed get-offs. If you’re riding your street bike anything like a Moto GP star you should probably not be riding on the street. Sure, they look great in website road test photos but those guys are only riding the bike for 15 minutes at a time. As soon as the camera stops clicking they peel that crap off toot-sweet.
For normal, everyday riding a one-piece suit is incredibly inconvenient. There are only a few things more disgusting than using a filthy, urine-soaked gas station toilet and one of them is using a filthy, urine-soaked gas station toilet while wearing a one-piece riding suit. Once you wiggle out of the top and drop your drawers you’ll soon realize that there is not enough space between the lip of the toilet and the urine-soaked floor for all that material. It’s like trying to corral your parachute in France after you’ve landed behind enemy lines on June 6th, 1944. Ok, I have no idea what that’s really like but you kind of sit there holding the bag: Practice hovering if you simply must mimic Marc Marquez on your Honda Blah.
I have more stupid motorcycle things, many more, but 5 is a good number to stop at. I mean, I may have to test some of these stupid motorcycle ideas and I don’t want to use up all my outrage in one story.
More Joe Gresh is here!
Joe Gresh Enfield and Baja impressions are here!
Joe you hit the spot! We ride to have fun not talk. talk when you stop to drink coffee jaja anti lock non of my bikes have it don’t like it. One piece leathers jaja 120 degree wanna loose weight
Hafta say the one piece snowmobile suit made riding in Scotland much more tolerable. Form fitting runway model svelte fitting I can see an issue…
Agreed on 2-4. 1 & 5 are just opinions based on low-tech experiences. The BMW ABS system is almost as primitive and non-functional as Harley or Indian ABS. Run that same downhill experiment on the Super Tenere or the Africa Twin and get back to me. Sure, you might find a reason to turn it off, rarely, but you probably won’t and most reviewers haven’t. I sure didn’t when I tested the Tenere.
As for the one-piece suit. Doofus, it takes a few seconds to completely remove a Roadcrafter and hang it up or drape it over the sink. Put it on and take it off outside of the bathroom. Geeze, some people need to have lessons in blowing their nose. If you think riding is a one piece suit is uncomfortable, wait till you’re sliding down the highway with your trendy jacked raveled up your rib cage and you’re shedding skin like Trump burning his way through a foreign bank loan. Dumb advice.
1) I’ve got a street bike with full time ABS, glad to have it; 2) I installed aftermarket keyless ignition, much preferred over key; 3 & 4) got Sena installed in helmet, mostly for GPS & music, but also for communication, big benefit; 5) doesn’t pertain to me.
Sounds like you have Technophobia.
Most of the things in the list you don’t have to use. You just sound like an old guys saying “back in my day”
Good Saturday morning read Joe. I’ve had ABS bite me in the butt one time, and save my life another.
When I had a BMW F650, I too suffered the off-road, down hill coast of death when I forgot to switch off the ABS. Luckily, the result was just bruised ego.
Then, one time I was sweeping around a hair pin and a herd of Elk crossed into my path while I was in full lean. A swerve and a heaping handful of ABS saved my ride, but did nothing for my under shorts!
Love ya Joe, but you do sound like a Technophobe!
Atta-Boy Joe!!! Right on the money!!!
#1 A person doesn’t turn it off or on and the whole system is stupid? Really
#2 I agree, dumb idea.
#3 If you don’t like it don’t buy on, just like guns.
#4 Find the button or knob that says OFF, problem solved.
#5 I can get out of my one piece faster than you can get your fly down.
Just because you don’t like it does not signify it is a stupid idea.
Five out of five…
Depends on the bike. I really like the information and technology on my K1600 GTL, and on my KLR-650 I like it just how it is, where turn signals are the height of technology!
Agree completely, it’s like yes we’ll sale ABS but some will have to die in the process, and at my age I want access to frequent urination and bowel movement than a one piece suit, entertainment do you want to ride or disco? The remote key deal ain’t life complicated enough just give me a freegin key
This is precisely why I own the most perfect motorcycle ever made – the KTM 950 Super Enduro.
Agreed , the moto companies are spending boatloads of cash to fix non=problems when the real problem is that bikes are getting too expensive for young people to buy and enjoy. The whole tech for techs sake to market stuff to those who love tech leaves out those who just want to play or commute or take trips.
Why do you care so much. There must be a yearning deep in the human heart to crap on what someone else likes. Not because the crapper claims to be harmed by it, but for “their own good”. A tool for every use. Your article sounds a lot to me like “I hate hammer. Hammer is dumb. What you need is wrench. Wrench good”.
Cute opinions. Stupid, but cute.
For experienced and capable motorcyclists, basic implementations of ABS only benefit in emergency stops under very poor traction conditions. But I’ve witnessed braking exercises in various motorcycle skills sharpening classes, and believe me when I say ‘experienced and capable’ is thin on the ground. ABS saved lives. (Although I do appreciate being able to turn it off).
I totally agree on all 5. I hate when a fellow rider has loud pipes (which is fine) but has a stereo that you can hear 5 miles, And I dont like his choice of music. Next ABS on a car caused me to have an accident when was almost stopped and ABS kicked in and released my brakes. I’ve been riding now for 67 years and Hate all the new electronic crap even in cars and trucks.
I’m in your camp Joe. 5 out of 5.
ABS is great. A skidding tire is not going to help. ABS turns off at low speed. Sounds like operator error to me. Taking it slow and using the front brake is just basic operation, ABS helps. If it’s really that bad turn the engine off with the bike in low gear and use the front brake and clutch. I had a hill like that this summer.
A headset is great for getting navigation instructions. If riding with other bikes it surely beats any other form of communication. A little music is nice as long as it’s not too loud.
A friend bought a comms system for me, so my girlfriend could talk to me while we ride. I haven’t spoken to him since.
I wear ear plugs riding. 5 out of 5!
I mostly agree with the list and was an enjoyable read. Therefore there is something really wrong you Joe.
-Mr. Sunshine
#1 ABS is like seat belts and air bags. Yeah, they’ve assisted in the death of a view but have saved much more. A shut off switch is a good idea but it should be a simple toggle switch.
#2 Agree 100%, for my bike. It frustrates me that I have to have a fob just to move the bike around in the garage. Fortunately I can inter a code to “release the beast” if I happen to leave the fob somewhere but I’d rather just have a freakin key.
#3 Yup, shut your donut hole until we stop at Joe’s BBQ and Gun Range. Hand jesters work just fine.
#4 I like having tunage when on the long haul. Especially when running through Kansas. With my overactive brain matter it helps keep the mind off reality obligations.
#5 Not my thing. I dress for the ride, not the slide but to each their own. Out here in Ozark country there are folks that run at MotoGP pace and I’m glad they are wearing one piece suits. They need them quite regularly, unfortunately.
Sounds like things YOU personally don’t like, not stupid ideas. This is a very self-centered list, being passed off as something that covers all of motorcycling.
ABS is the only one that has safety issues, so let’s address that. As a driving instructor for BMW, Porsche, Ferrari and others, for serious track driving you need to be able to disable the entire system – something many cars don’t allow. I ran a simple two pole on/off switch to the closest wheel ABS sensor. If the vehicle can’t see a wheel speed, the whole system turns off. Simple, easy and effective. I wish the lawyers weren’t so heavily involved in vehicle design these days. But at least there’s a simple solution.
The rest of this list is just crap. Don’t like it, don’t buy it. But don’t tell my choices are stupid.
Hey, to each his (or her) own. Appreciate the comments; thanks for posting.
What an odd response. I’ve never identified with a product so strongly that I felt a comment on that product was a personal insult.
Man, that’s some Powerful, mojo marketing!
😂 I loved the list. All of it true.
But #3, cut the shit, you never ran off with any redhead.