One of the things that always got a laugh when I worked in the motorcycle business were comments you’d hear from looky-loos who you knew weren’t going to buy (but they liked to act as if they were). These folks wanted to wax eloquent and sound like they knew what they were talking about. “If only they would (insert motorcycle feature here), I’d buy one in a heartbeat.” If only, indeed. They never did. My disdain for the above notwithstanding, I thought I’d play. You know: If only they would…and this time I’ll fill in the blanks. And with that as a starting point, here’s my specification for the perfect motorcycle.
1. Tank You Very Much
For me it would have to have a teardrop gas tank that actually is a gas tank (no underseat gas tank silliness on the perfect motorcycle). Something like the Bonneville or maybe the Enfield 650. Guzzi had the right idea, and maybe the new CSC 400 twin is righteous, too. Here a few perfect gas tanks:
2. Wire Wheels, Please
I like wire wheels. I know that cast wheels have advantages, but I don’t care. I like spokes. Wire wheels are what my perfect motorcycle needs.
3. Show Me The Motor!
I know fairings have advantages and I’ve owned a lot of motorcycles with fairings, but you need to be able to see the motor on a motorcycle. There’s something blatantly weird about faired motorcycles when you take the fairings off: They look like washing machines. I want to see the engine and I want to see fins. Lots of fins. And cables and chrome, too. If you want a sterile, all-the-ugly-stuff-hidden vehicle, buy a Prius.
And while we’re talking about motors, let’s move on to the elephant in the perfect motorcycle conversation: Displacement.
4. Displacement: Less is More
114 cubic inches? 2300 cubic centimeters? That’s automobile territory and then some. As you-know-who would say in one of his rare lucid moments: C’mon, man.
If you need something to give expression to your masculinity, buy a pickup truck or a Model 29. Or maybe a 458 Win Mag. For me, something up to maybe 650cc is good. Less would be better, provided it can meet all the other things in this dreamsheet spec.
5. The Paint
The paint has to be world class. Harley gets that right. Triumph had it right back in the day. Chome and paint works. So does pinstriping. Thank God that silly flat black fad passed. Nope, I like paint that looks good. Ever seen a jellybean Ducati?
6. We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ LCDs or TFTs!
I don’t need to sit behind a NORAD computer display. I like two big analog dials; one for the speedometer and the other for the tach. The ’65 Triumph Bonneville had the right idea; the 750 Honda enlarged both and that was even better. Seeing those two big cans sitting just ahead of the handlebars works for me.
7. Getting Gassed
I’d like a 250-mile range. I stop more frequently, but I’d like the bike to be able to go that far without the fuel light coming on, which I guess means the range needs to be even more than 250 miles. It drives me nuts when the fuel light starts blinking at just over 100 miles and I know there’s still another 50 miles or so left in the tank.
8. Southern Comfort
A comfortable seat is a must, but truth be told, if you spend all day, day after day on a motorcycle, I’ve never found any that are what I would call comfortable. If a motorcycle seat can just make the “not uncomfortable” threshold, I’m good. And although I almost never take a passenger on my bike, I’d like to have a bike that seats two.
9. Down and Dirty
You know, I don’t need a GS to go offroad. Neither do you. They’re too big, too heavy, and too tall. They look good at a Starbuck’s, but I’m not going to spend $5 for a cup of coffee. I remember back in the day (for me, that would be the 1960s) when we took Hondas and Triumphs and BSAs off road all the time and thought nothing of it. We didn’t call it “adventure” riding, either…we just called it riding. We didn’t need a marketing guy and a decal to make our bikes off road capable. I’ve even gone off road with a Harley Softail, although maybe that was taking things a bit far. I guess what I’m saying is I’d like a bike to be light enough and the seat height to be reasonable, and I’m good to go for any off road requirements that bubble up in my travels.
10. Just Say No To Stratospheric Seat Heights
The seat height should not be higher than about 30 inches. An inch or two lower would be even better. I understand that mucho suspension travel is muey macho for some, but a lot of motorcycles have gone crazy. I don’t know anyone with a 37-inch inseam. I don’t know if there are enough basketball players to justify a motorcycle that most of us would need a step ladder to mount.
11. Fat City
Weight should be under 400 pounds. It’s doable, guys. Some of today’s bikes are approaching a thousand pounds. That’s nuts. Under 400 pounds works for me; less would be ever better. If my motorcycle drops, I want to be able to pick it up by myself. The 1966 Triumph Bonneville my Dad rode weighed 363 pounds. If you’ve gotta have the Gold Wing, why not just go for the RV?
12. Freeway Capable
We live in the age of the Interstate. Two-lane country roads are nice and they make for good advertising photography, but it’s not the 1950s anymore. Yeah, I try to enjoy back roads, but like everybody else, I get on the freeway when I want to cover big miles. A bike that can cruise comfortably at 75 or 80 mph has to be part of the spec. The funny thing is, you don’t need a monster bike to do that. Gresh and I rode across China on CSC 250cc motorcycles, and about a third of that was freeway driving.
13. What’s In A Name?
I’d be okay with some kind of alphanumeric quasi-military designation or a cool sounding noun, like Bonneville or Electra-Glide or MT06. The weird noun “INT” adorns my Enfield only because the Mumbai boys didn’t want to take on Honda (they should; Royal Enfield had an Interceptor way before Honda did). I’m okay with a Chinese motorcycle, but it would have to have a good name (Cool Boy won’t cut it here). The first RX3s in America had a tank panel emblazoned with Speed (hey, I can’t make this stuff up); I caught some online flak about that. I countered it by telling the keyboard commandos we wanted Methamphetamine, but the font became too small when we tried to fit it on the tank. BSA used to have great names, like Spitfire and Thunderbolt. Those could work. Here are a few others I thought you might like to see.
14. Pipe Up!
A motorcycle has to be visually and aurally balanced. To me, that includes chrome exhaust pipes on both sides of the motorcycle (like you see on that gorgeous Norton in the big photo above, and in the Beezer below). Low pipes or high, either are okay by me. Back in the 1960s Yamaha had the Big Bear (now there’s a great name) with upswept chrome exhausts on either side of the bike and I thought that was perfect. Any of the ’60s British street twins were perfect, especially Triumphs and BSAs. Flat black stamped steel with flanged welds on only one side of the bike (like my KLR 650) are an abomination.
And, of course, the ExhaustNote: The perfect motorcycle has to sound like the perfect motorcycle. That means a low rumble, but not something so lopey it sounds like a Harley, and certainly not something that sounds like a sewing machine or (worse yet) a small car. Think mid-60’s Triumph Bonneville. That is a motorcycle that sounds like a motorcycle.
So there you have it. Got comments? Let’s hear them. Post them here on the blog, and you’ll have a friend for life. And do a friend a favor: Click on the ads in this blog!
Hope electric start is OK, the one on my ‘72 Yam XS2 was a huge improvement over the kick especially if you killed it in traffic.
70’s Norton 850 Commando had a great sound!
You know, I’m so accustomed to electric start I didn’t think to include it on the list.
Thanks for posting.
“Zarang me, Zarang me, they ought to take a rope and hang me” I wonder how many people will actually understand this reference. lol
Well, at least one did. Two, if you count me.
The Zarang in that photo was a Chinese motorcycle bound for Pakistan. Many people in Pakistan are Johnny Cash fans.
Roger Miller fans are what you want
A much under-appreciated artist.
Roger Miller if a am correct. And of course Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam: “Danang me Danang me, they gonna take a rope and hang me.
Roger Miller it was. Johnny Cash sang it, too, but Roger Miller is the guy.
The Norton commando is all you would want…..what a timeless beauty.
Agree totally with your points 😊
Maybe I will run for President.
Yeah, I was thinking Good Morning Vietnam too. Must be us pipsqueaks in the 55 and under set.
One of the best movies ever, in my opinion.
Mamma would you weep for me.
We all do, Keith.
Flip side of “King of the road”. Great stuff.
Trailer for sale or rent. Remember it well.
Nice photos!
Thanks! I’ve accumulated a few over the years.
I’m with you 100% on this Joe. I’ve said for the past 40 years or so that the Norton Commando is the perfect motorcycle. Beautiful by any measure, a joy to ride, can be made very reliable, light weight, very smooth running on the road, plenty of power and easy to maintain and on and on. I’ve owned two and regret selling them to this day. I owned an airhead for 22years that was close to perfect, but was heavy and had a clunky gearbox. A Norton gearbox is sublime, right or left shift. Currently I ride a Honda CB500f, it ticks a lot of boxes for this old man, but it’s no Norton.
Great minds work alike, Steven. Thanks for commenting.
Nailed it!
Sometimes you just get lucky, I guess.
I appreciate your thoughts on the perfect motorcycle. I respect your opinions. You did forget sufficient luggage capacity for bottles or cans or drink boxes of Yoo-Hoo though. And my 07 Tiger 1050 IS the perfect bike in my riding universe.
That Tiger is a great motorcycle. I had an ’06 and loved it. Regarding sufficient luggage capacity…if I have a gym bag and a bungee cord, I have sufficient luggage capacity.
Depends on whether your Yoo-Hoo is in bottles, cans, or drink boxes.
Bottles only for YooHoo. Boxes are for wine.
I think you covered this very well! I was going to add some snarky remark or something you forgot and I’ll be dang if I can think of anything. About the only thing I can think of is a little street cred. But that would require the bike to be on the market for a little while. Other than that Kudos my man!
Muchas gracias, Senor Hopkins!
It sounds like the RE650 is the perfect motorcycle . For me, the perfect bike would break down more often.
Then you want a Bullet! It needs you!
Great piece, Joe. So many variables. I love my 2007 R1200RT for most of them. Amazing features and not too heavy at 505 lbs dry. But who rides a dry motorcycle? Nobody. Even at 571 lbs wet that’s not exactly porky by today’s standards.
Thank you. I recently read that BMW’s new R18 with all the touring goodies comes in at just under 1000 lbs. The R1200RT is a great motorcycle. It is amazing that 571 lbs is not considered especially heavy (and I agree; by today’s standards it is not).
I have to give a bike so well suited for two-up touring a little extra weight allowance.
Interestingly enough, I also have a 2005 HD 1200 Sportster Roadster, lean and trim as they come. Wet weight? Can’t find it. But the dry weight is 553.4 lbs. That RT ain’t looking so heavy after all.
Don’t tell anyone, but I kind of always wanted a Sportster.
The perfect motorcycle doesn’t have to be any specific make, size, or model, but it does have to have character. One with a little dust or dirt, and maybe even paint chip here and there shows that it has been used and loved by its rider. It has a story to tell. There’s a slew of pristine, all chromed up motorcycles out there that haven’t been anywhere but a trailer.
Yep, the “perfect” motorcycle has character.
Character counts. I should have included that. Thanks for commenting.
Fuel light What’s that? When my Triumph starts to sputter l flip the petcock to reserve and get to a gas station, with at least 40 mi. to spare.
Amen to to that. The best warning light ever.
My lowly TU250X checks most of those boxes.
I know a couple of guys who ride a TU250X. Great bike. It’s surprising how much fun you can have on a 250.
So you want a teardrop tank and 250 mile capability.
Well, if you wanna put it like that…yeah.
Hi Joe,
Sounds like you have described the RE GT Continental 650. Mine even has a cool name for the colour (color) scheme – Black Magic.
Greetings from Australia,
Karl
I do enjoy my Enfield, Karl. It’s a wonderful motorcycle and it checks most of the boxes for me.
I like the color, too. Ride safe out there in Australia. You live in a beautiful place.
One more category, that’s very important to me: Easy to service – you don’t have to take the bike apart to service it. Body panels, gas tanks – no thanks. Busting your knuckles trying to adjust the valves – not! I have found my perfect motorcycle – Moto Guzzi V7II. It meets all of your criteria except weight: it is 435 lbs, but the weight is low so it handles like a 350 lb bike. Plus – it has character!
Ah, another category I left out. Dan, you are so right! Thanks for posting.
Even though it’s a cheap plastic child of the 80’s with no elegant chrome or swoopy styling, it has a carburetor, a simple maintenance checklist, and a willing to go anywhere character. For all your nostalgic pining for classy antiquity and rumbling steel, you willingly avert your attention from it’s stamped muffler and sewing machine/VW lovechild exhaust note and it’s adventuresome stance, because you do, of course, understand that the KLR is pretty darn close to the perfect motorcycle.
My 2006 KLR 650 was one of the best motorcycles I ever owned. My 250ccc RX3 was a better motorcycle; the KLR was also very, very good. The valves were a bitch to adjust (hate shims and buckets) and if there’s a Kawasaki dealer out there that’s trustworthy, I couldn’t find him. But I did love that motorcycle. It was in its element touring Baja.
Michael, you are very articulate. You should start a blog.
Joe – Like many things in life the perfect motorcycle exists only as a concept or abstraction. But good try. BTW – I have a 95 XL1200 Harley Sportster that has been about as perfect an all around motorcycle as I have ever owned. I followed break in procedure religiously and the engine is very smooth running for a Sporty. Great size and good power. Not too big, not too little. I also have several Yamaha XS650’s which would be my second choice. They shake a bit but smooth out when riding and can do it all.
I owned a Yamaha XS650 once. Nice bike but it wasn’t the modern Triumph Bonneville I was hoping for. Good looking motorcycle.
I largely agree.
To me it’s crystal clear :
You need a classic Moto Guzzi !
I would like to have a Moto Guzzi someday. My friend Dan has one and he tells me it is a good motorcycle.
Royal Enfield 650 Int …. Very happy with mine … checks all the boxes and real fun to ride.
It is a great motorcycle. Absolutely world class.
Wonderful read. Not too long ago I had to pick a motorcycle and it was either the Bullet or the 650 cause I already had a few reliable motorcycles and was looking for the ‘Perfect Motorcycle’ as you would put it. It was a tough battle but in the end I went for the Pushrod, being from India I was able to opt for a 350 without an Electric Starter, the significance of this is that it uses a heavier crank. Carb’s were phased out by then but being a Bullet going for a retro conversion isn’t even a challenge, also would take the auto-decompressor out(No Manual Decompressor as well, I prefer the old rollback) when I’d change the chain next, and that’d make it My Perfect Motorcycle. 🙂
The Bullet is a cool bike, too.
I’m with you on most of these points. But “If you want a sterile, all-the-ugly-stuff-hidden vehicle, buy a Prius” goes beyond harsh. Ouch. As Grace Slick crooned “everything you say we are, we are.” But a Prius driver? Death before dishonor.
Yeah, well, that’s just like your opinion, man.
That was a fun read, Joe! Be careful, though, about weights, as the old “dry” weights claimed by manufacturers are nearly meaningless. Cycle magazine weighed a 1973 Norton 850 Roadster with a full tank: 462 pounds.
Truer words were never spoken!