One of the things that always got a laugh when I worked in the motorcycle business were comments you’d hear from looky-loos who you knew weren’t going to buy (but they liked to act as if they were). These folks wanted to wax eloquent and sound like they knew what they were talking about. “If only they would (insert motorcycle feature here), I’d buy one in a heartbeat.” If only, indeed. They never did. My disdain for the above notwithstanding, I thought I’d play. You know: If only they would…and this time I’ll fill in the blanks. And with that as a starting point, here’s my specification for the perfect motorcycle.
1. Tank You Very Much
For me it would have to have a teardrop gas tank that actually is a gas tank (no underseat gas tank silliness on the perfect motorcycle). Something like the Bonneville or maybe the Enfield 650. Guzzi had the right idea, and maybe the new CSC 400 twin is righteous, too. Here a few perfect gas tanks:
2. Wire Wheels, Please
I like wire wheels. I know that cast wheels have advantages, but I don’t care. I like spokes. Wire wheels are what my perfect motorcycle needs.
3. Show Me The Motor!
I know fairings have advantages and I’ve owned a lot of motorcycles with fairings, but you need to be able to see the motor on a motorcycle. There’s something blatantly weird about faired motorcycles when you take the fairings off: They look like washing machines. I want to see the engine and I want to see fins. Lots of fins. And cables and chrome, too. If you want a sterile, all-the-ugly-stuff-hidden vehicle, buy a Prius.
And while we’re talking about motors, let’s move on to the elephant in the perfect motorcycle conversation: Displacement.
4. Displacement: Less is More
114 cubic inches? 2300 cubic centimeters? That’s automobile territory and then some. As you-know-who would say in one of his rare lucid moments: C’mon, man.
If you need something to give expression to your masculinity, buy a pickup truck or a Model 29. Or maybe a 458 Win Mag. For me, something up to maybe 650cc is good. Less would be better, provided it can meet all the other things in this dreamsheet spec.
5. The Paint
The paint has to be world class. Harley gets that right. Triumph had it right back in the day. Chome and paint works. So does pinstriping. Thank God that silly flat black fad passed. Nope, I like paint that looks good. Ever seen a jellybean Ducati?
6. We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ LCDs or TFTs!
I don’t need to sit behind a NORAD computer display. I like two big analog dials; one for the speedometer and the other for the tach. The ’65 Triumph Bonneville had the right idea; the 750 Honda enlarged both and that was even better. Seeing those two big cans sitting just ahead of the handlebars works for me.
7. Getting Gassed
I’d like a 250-mile range. I stop more frequently, but I’d like the bike to be able to go that far without the fuel light coming on, which I guess means the range needs to be even more than 250 miles. It drives me nuts when the fuel light starts blinking at just over 100 miles and I know there’s still another 50 miles or so left in the tank.
8. Southern Comfort
A comfortable seat is a must, but truth be told, if you spend all day, day after day on a motorcycle, I’ve never found any that are what I would call comfortable. If a motorcycle seat can just make the “not uncomfortable” threshold, I’m good. And although I almost never take a passenger on my bike, I’d like to have a bike that seats two.
9. Down and Dirty
You know, I don’t need a GS to go offroad. Neither do you. They’re too big, too heavy, and too tall. They look good at a Starbuck’s, but I’m not going to spend $5 for a cup of coffee. I remember back in the day (for me, that would be the 1960s) when we took Hondas and Triumphs and BSAs off road all the time and thought nothing of it. We didn’t call it “adventure” riding, either…we just called it riding. We didn’t need a marketing guy and a decal to make our bikes off road capable. I’ve even gone off road with a Harley Softail, although maybe that was taking things a bit far. I guess what I’m saying is I’d like a bike to be light enough and the seat height to be reasonable, and I’m good to go for any off road requirements that bubble up in my travels.
10. Just Say No To Stratospheric Seat Heights
The seat height should not be higher than about 30 inches. An inch or two lower would be even better. I understand that mucho suspension travel is muey macho for some, but a lot of motorcycles have gone crazy. I don’t know anyone with a 37-inch inseam. I don’t know if there are enough basketball players to justify a motorcycle that most of us would need a step ladder to mount.
11. Fat City
Weight should be under 400 pounds. It’s doable, guys. Some of today’s bikes are approaching a thousand pounds. That’s nuts. Under 400 pounds works for me; less would be ever better. If my motorcycle drops, I want to be able to pick it up by myself. The 1966 Triumph Bonneville my Dad rode weighed 363 pounds. If you’ve gotta have the Gold Wing, why not just go for the RV?
12. Freeway Capable
We live in the age of the Interstate. Two-lane country roads are nice and they make for good advertising photography, but it’s not the 1950s anymore. Yeah, I try to enjoy back roads, but like everybody else, I get on the freeway when I want to cover big miles. A bike that can cruise comfortably at 75 or 80 mph has to be part of the spec. The funny thing is, you don’t need a monster bike to do that. Gresh and I rode across China on CSC 250cc motorcycles, and about a third of that was freeway driving.
13. What’s In A Name?
I’d be okay with some kind of alphanumeric quasi-military designation or a cool sounding noun, like Bonneville or Electra-Glide or MT06. The weird noun “INT” adorns my Enfield only because the Mumbai boys didn’t want to take on Honda (they should; Royal Enfield had an Interceptor way before Honda did). I’m okay with a Chinese motorcycle, but it would have to have a good name (Cool Boy won’t cut it here). The first RX3s in America had a tank panel emblazoned with Speed (hey, I can’t make this stuff up); I caught some online flak about that. I countered it by telling the keyboard commandos we wanted Methamphetamine, but the font became too small when we tried to fit it on the tank. BSA used to have great names, like Spitfire and Thunderbolt. Those could work. Here are a few others I thought you might like to see.
14. Pipe Up!
A motorcycle has to be visually and aurally balanced. To me, that includes chrome exhaust pipes on both sides of the motorcycle (like you see on that gorgeous Norton in the big photo above, and in the Beezer below). Low pipes or high, either are okay by me. Back in the 1960s Yamaha had the Big Bear (now there’s a great name) with upswept chrome exhausts on either side of the bike and I thought that was perfect. Any of the ’60s British street twins were perfect, especially Triumphs and BSAs. Flat black stamped steel with flanged welds on only one side of the bike (like my KLR 650) are an abomination.
And, of course, the ExhaustNote: The perfect motorcycle has to sound like the perfect motorcycle. That means a low rumble, but not something so lopey it sounds like a Harley, and certainly not something that sounds like a sewing machine or (worse yet) a small car. Think mid-60’s Triumph Bonneville. That is a motorcycle that sounds like a motorcycle.
So there you have it. Got comments? Let’s hear them. Post them here on the blog, and you’ll have a friend for life. And do a friend a favor: Click on the ads in this blog!