Long after the last word has been typed, when the world lays in waste and all that remains is a ground-hugging sulfuric cloud of swirling brown gas fed on by fantastic single-celled creatures all named Bob, there will be Christmas gift giving guides. This is because gift-giving guides are really just listicles masquerading as useful information. Listicles are the lowest form of writing and like the single-celled Bobs, can survive anything. Of course that depressing scenario doesn’t stop ExhaustNotes from jumping on the bandwagon. At least we waited until after Thanksgiving.
The motorcycling community is many-fractured; to the outsider we may seem to require only one description: motorcyclists, but that is far from the reality. ExhaustNote’s gift guide recognizes both the Yin and the Fro of the motorcycling public and is helpfully broken into rider type to better match motorcycle-gift to motorcycle-giftee.
This beautiful gold-tone trophy is an excellent gift for the Canyon Racer. Canyon Racers are easy to identify because they just passed you on the inside of a blind corner…in a school zone. Canyon Racers ply their trade on public roads because those guys on the racetrack are going way too fast for Canyon Racer to get past; unlike that Chrysler mini van they out-braked and stuffed mightily in the Arby’s drive up window. Canyon Racers have colorful motorcycles that mimic the appearance of race bikes in the same way Canyon Racers mimic actual racers. They dress in expensive leather suits and spend most of their time sanding down the edges of their tires to mask a common malady named Chicken Strips. Have no fear of duplicate gifts with the above trophy, the one you give your Canyon Racer will be the only one he ever sees.
Morbid and practical describes both the finely crafted casket above and the riders in our next group: The Cruisers. Consisting of mostly dead men, the Cruiser rider segment is so old they can remember the time before the Internet was invented. As the Cruiser rider’s body withers away to leather and buckles the bikes he rides become ever larger, slower and more expensive. Often mistaken for a briefcase, the Cruiser rider blows all his money chasing chrome and noise-making devices leaving his next-of-kin no money to pay for his funeral. The casket above will subtly tell the Worst Generation, best known for their ability to close the door behind themselves, that the one thing belonging to future generations that the Cruisers can’t mortgage is time.
One of the handiest gifts you can give an Adventure Bike rider is this inflatable cast. The tall, heavy motorcycles Adventure Riders prefer are sized exactly right for breaking an ankle when they fall over. And fall over they do. A normal person would look at an Adventure motorcycle and never in a million years guess that you are supposed to take the machine off road. Everything about the bike, its weight, size, width and ground clearance screams ridiculous. The Adventure Rider only screams when the bike falls on him. Other suitable gifts for an Adventure Rider would be a first aid kit, health insurance, a girl friend or a gift card to a nationwide chain of coffee brewers.
These rose-colored glasses are perfect for the Vintage motorcycle enthusiast. Even older than the Cruiser Rider, Vintage Riders are way more stubborn. They can be found at home because their bikes are never actually ridden. Simply looking at a motorcycle is all the excitement their weak and failing hearts can take. (This means no girl friends!) If you get the optional, rose-colored magnifying glasses your Vintage Rider will be able to identify the date codes on the many, many parts he has stored in boxes. Knowing the date code won’t really change anything but he will sleep better having the useless data points. The Vintage Rider will never sell his parts because he knows what they are worth, preferring instead to leave it to his nephew to toss the boxes of greasy bits into a dumpster when he is summoned to settle the Vintage Rider’s estate.
This gift will delete…I mean delight Scooter Riders. Properly used, the castration tool will provide welcome clearance for the odd, two-feet-together seating position most scooters employ. In addition to the improved comfort, dramatic personality changes can be expected that will make your favorite Scooter Rider more pleasant to be around. He’ll fight much less and smell better to boot! If your Scooter Rider has designs on a singing career get him one sooner rather than later.
All these gifts are available online at Amazon or other local-shop destroying, mega corporation websites. Merry Christmas!
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