Category: Joe Gresh

A Slice of Life: ExhaustNotes Injury Review

Here at ExhaustNotes we don’t limit ourselves to giant, 10-bike comparison tests and feature stories describing the joys of motorcycle riding. ExhaustNotes is much more hands-on than those other guys. In this case we were a little too hands-on.

Loyal readers will know this but for you newbies I’ll say it again: I’ve been building stuff around the house and letting the moto-journo aspect of my career flounder. Normally that’s not a problem as I lie about most of the things I write about anyway.

This story starts with a pre-hung door installation on the Sun Porch behind Tinfiny’s Carriage House. Yes, everything at Tinfiny Ranch has a proper name. The door is all glass except for a metal/wood surround to hold the glass and make space for the doorknobs, hinges and bolt.

Being double pane and all glass the door is sort of heavy and as I was lifting it into position I let the door slide slowly down to the floor. I felt warmth on my left wrist but chalked it up to the early stages of Covid infection. Unfortunately I was not as lucky as that. Blood was dripping from a deep cut over my wrist and could see tendons and what I thought was bone. I started freaking out; it was like the scene in Terminator where Arnie peels back his skin to reveal the mechanical parts of his arm. I couldn’t figure out what happened and since I usually faint at the sight of blood I knew I was on borrowed time. I quickly clamped the door to the existing studs and went to the bathroom to throw up.

As it turns out there was a razor sharp piece of metal screwed into the frame of the door, I imagine reinforcing the lock area. This piece of metal was standing proud of the door by about ¼-inch. That’s the bit that cut me.

My new weight loss diet consists of Lemon Heads, a candy that is around 98% pure sugar. I call it The Ferrara diet. What with the sugar rush I wasn’t feeling all that hot before I sliced my arm open. The wound made me even queasier. CT was running around trying to find a bandage to stanch the flow of blood as I sank down onto the bathroom floor in a cold sweat. CT found some paper towels and tape and eventually I felt good enough to walk out to the car.

The ride to the hospital took about ½ hour during which I kept yelling “Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi!”, “Michigan!” and “Whoa Daddy!” to keep my mind off the injury. Our local hospital is undergoing expansion so the emergency room has been relocated between two employee parking lots and miles of temporary fence.

CT pulled up to the front and told me to wait in the car while she got a wheel chair. “Oh hell no!” I said, “I don’t need a wheelchair, this is embarrassing.” We had a brief, ultimately futile argument for me, and out came a hospital guy with a wheelchair.

The hospital guy wheeled me to wait in a hallway where a lady was coughing up Covid viruses the size of Lemon Heads. She answered yes to every Covid-question the nurse asked her. It was like her body was a perfect storm of Covid. The hospital guy wheeled me into another room. “Here’s the guy that cut his wrist,” he told the admitting clerks. What the hell? Now I’m a suicide risk?  I said, “Look, let me be clear. I did not try to kill myself, I cut my wrist on a door.” It sounded phony as hell.

Back out in the hallway the old lady was gone but the corona virus cloud was still so dense I could actually see the little bastards tugging at my facemask trying to gain access to my respiratory system.

Enough time had elapsed from the initial injury that I was feeling somewhat cocky. Like maybe I had lain on the bathroom floor just to elevate the injury. Yeah, that’s it. I was even thinking about how good a Lemon Head would taste right about now. I was wheeled into Room 9 and the nurse told me to take off my shirt and put on a hospital gown. I had on mismatched socks.

Dr. Wells came in to examine me. I told him about the door but of course I would say something like that if I were trying to conceal a suicide attempt. He said that it was a nice clean cut and that he would be back later to stitch it up. I took a nap as things seemed under control.

True to his word, Dr. Wells came back and asked me all kinds of questions about my job and boats during which he shot some numbing agent into my wrist area. After a short burning sensation I couldn’t feel a thing. As he sewed me up, it felt like someone tugging on my sleeve. Drugs and a good bedside manner really help.

By this time I felt the crisis was past and I could look at my injured wrist without any nausea. I guess it’s true what they say, time does heal all wounds. CT took me home and my wrist seems ok. Luckily I didn’t cut any tendons or veins. After taking a day off I finished installing the door with CT helping to lift the thing.

On a side note: that piece of sharp metal is gone. I don’t care if it weakens the locking system. Kick the door down for all I care. I’ll have to be more observant with my home projects, turns out it’s safer to ride motorcycles than install doors.

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Product Review: A-iPower, APW2700C Pressure Washer

With all the home projects I’ve been doing lately I haven’t had much time for motorcycle hijinks. Poor Berk is having to carry the blog’s content-load all by himself. While I may not have moto-content I do have a few new toys to review, one of them being the APW2700C pressure washer.

Normally I like electric power for infrequently used power tools and I have a Harbor Freight electric pressure washer that does everything I need it to do with only one hitch. That hitch being the amperage the washer draws is so great it doesn’t like running on a long extension cord. That’s a problem at the Love Shack where the (unpowered) carport is 100 feet from the shack. Pressure washing out there is impossible unless you have a fairly good-sized generator to run the washer.

Another place the electric washer won’t work is on Christine, the MGB GT project as it is a fair distance from the shed at Tinfiny Ranch. I could move the car closer but there is so much rat guano inside I’d rather field clean it where she sits. In anticipation of your next question, ”Why not move one of the 35,000 generators you seem to have stacked at Tinfiny Ranch?” I say that kind of attitude will get you no new tools.

I bought the APW2700C pressure washer because it was cheap, had good reviews and it’s a horizontal crankshaft engine. The vertical crank pressure washers are ok, I guess, but if the high-pressure pump quits the engine is pretty much useless. The horizontal crank prime mover can be repurposed into any number of mini bikes, go-carts or log splitters.

I got mine on sale for around $200 and that’s really cheap compared to the average $350 price tag for a gas-powered washer. Shipping was free also! The quality looks really good with jewel like bits and pieces scattered all over. The unit even came with a quart of oil.

The APW2700C pressure washer is delivered broken down in a smaller box so there are a few parts to assemble. The handle snaps into the frame of the washer and a wand holder bolts on the side. Other than that, connect up the hose, wand and choose a tip and the unit is ready to go.

When the time came to blast the rat poo out of the MGB GT’s engine room the pressure washer started up second pull and ran perfectly. There are three different tips to alter the spray pattern but I’ve only used the wide pattern. The high pressure hose seems plenty long and the machine came with a soap dispenser bottle should you decide to mix detergent with the spray.

I’m happy with the APW2700C pressure washer, and I’m amazed at how good this pressure washer looks for only 200 bucks but since most of my possessions are junk I may have a skewed idea of what good means. The 2700 in the product name refers to the amount of pressure the unit supposedly makes. I have no way of measuring the output pressure but it’s plenty strong. It blew the paint off the MGB’s valve cover but didn’t remove the body color paint on the sides of the engine room.

I’ve got a few more pressure washing jobs for the APW2700C pressure washer and then I’ll drain the fuel until I need it again. I have no idea how long the washer will last but with my home-shop duty cycle it might be years before I find out.

More ExNotes product reviews are here!

Product Review: Evapo-Rust Rust Remover

I’ve used many different types of rust removers in my somewhat futile effort to keep old clunkers on the road. Ospho is okay on metal but not so good on aluminum, cider vinegar is great but very slow working and is acidic but the best one I’ve found is Evapo-Rust.

This fairly large container of Evapo-Rust can be bought online for less per ounce than the local big-box stores. If the stuff weren’t so expensive I’d use it to clean the inside of rusty gas tanks. As it is I can buy a new gas tank for about twice the cost of enough Evapo-Rust to fill the old, rusty tank

I’ve soaked zinc carburetor bodies in Evapo-Rust for a week without eating the soft base material. Rubber parts seem unaffected after a bath in Evapo-Rust. I don’t think it will eat carburetors ever but I haven’t tried it as long as ever. Evapo-Rust cleans the gooey carb residue along with the powdery zinc corrosion equally well. The brass carb parts come out looking like new. I haven’t found any metal the Evapo-Rust won’t clean. I’m sold on the stuff for carbs.

Evapo-Rust is great for chrome or zinc plated nuts and bolts and all the little doo-dads that need de-rusting during a motorcycle restoration. One example is the chrome headlight fork ears on the old Kawasaki 900. They were lightly rusted between the folded parts of the ears and there was no way to get down in there to clean them. A few days soaking in Evapo-Rust saw them nice and clean. After washing the parts with water I give them a shot of oil and they haven’t re-rusted. (Note: I live in New Mexico so rust is not much of a problem out here.)

Like most things in life there are a couple catches: You want to avoid leaving parts in an uncovered container of Evapo-Rust for a month like I did. The Evapo-Rust evaporates down into a thick, dark, almost plastic mass that glues itself to your part and the container. It’s a real chore to pull the part out of the container. The freebased Evapo-Rust is the consistency of really strong taffy candy. That gunk is harder to get off than the original rust! Check your parts every week or so and seal the lid if you can.

Evapo-Rust does not work as well on parts too large to submerge. I tried it on some rusty corrugated roof panels. Following Evapo-Rust instructions I soaked rags with the product and laid the wet rags on the rusty spots. Then I covered the rags with a large sheet of plastic to keep the area moist. After a couple days the rags were stuck to the roofing. I used water and elbow grease to pull the rags off. The rust was somewhat cleaned up but I think regular Ospho works better on large surfaces.

ExhaustNotes.us product reviews are here!

The Destinations Deal Ride: One of the best ever!

When I wrote the blog for CSC Motorcycles, we organized several multi-day rides (trips through Baja, the western US, China, Colombia, and more).   One of my favorite rides was the Destinations Deal tour.  It started out as an idea by the real marketing whiz in the CSC organization (who likes her anonymity, so I won’t mention her name), with directions to include some of the best destinations in the southwestern US.  As I organized the ride, I realized all the spots I selected were featured in stories I wrote for Motorcycle Classics magazine.  CSC wanted to offer a discount on any new bike purchased for the event, the Motorcycle Classics columns were all titled Destinations, and the ride quickly became known as the Destinations Deal Tour. 

The ride was awesome:  Topock, Laughlin, Oatman, the Grand Canyon, Route 66, Zion, the Extraterrestrial Highway, Tonopah, Death Valley, Shoshone, Baker, and then home.  Just over 1500 miles in 6 days on 250cc motorcycles…it would be exactly what the doctor ordered.

The Destinations Deal was one of the best rides I ever did.  Old friends and new friends, great weather, great stops, great roads, and great stories combined for an awesome week.  The roads, the riders, the restaurants, the camaraderie…it all clicked on this one.  But don’t take my word for it.   Take a look at the photos.

Leighton and a killer hot dog in Topock on the Colorado River just as we crossed into Arizona. You get a discount coupon for the local coronary care unit when you order this meal.
A few of the boys and their RX3s in Oatman. Clark Gable and Carole Lombard stayed in this hotel back in the day.
Wild jackasses roam the streets in Oatman.   I could have a lot of fun captioning this photo.
On our first night, we stayed in the Colorado Belle, a riverboat hotel on the Colorado River in Laughlin, Nevada.  It was our first day and we rode through three states already.  Gresh and I closed the bar that first evening. They had a live group doing ’60s Motown hits and the music was fantastic. Or maybe we just had a few too many cervezas. Or maybe it was both. The trip was off to a great start.
Day 2 on the way to the Grand Canyon. The weather was perfect for the entire ride.
Velma and Orlando, who rode two-up on a brand-new blue RX3. Orlando taught me Spanish on this ride: El naranja es el color más rápido.
Another shot of the most photogenic couple you’ll ever see on an adventure ride, this time using a super-wide-angle lens on my Nikon.  You can actually see the curvature of the earth in this photo.
Good buddy Rob, with who I’ve ridden several times in the US and Mexico, buys a drink for a new friend at the Grand Canyon.
On the road to Zion along Arizona’s Highway 89A after visiting the Grand Canyon. This was a glorious ride.
Marble Canyon in Arizona as we re-crossed the mighty Colorado River.
Zion, the Crown Jewel of our National Parks. This was shaping up to be one of the best trips ever.  From left to right, it’s Dan The Man, Orlando and Velma, Gary in the back, Leighton, Willie, and Rob.  Add Gresh and yours truly, mix well, and you have the makings of a grand adventure.
My buds in the rear view, as we waited for a group of big horn sheep to cross the road. You could say the delay was baa-aa-aa-ad, but it was worth it to see those magnificent big horns.
The next day it was on to Nevada for the long trek to Tonopah. We took the world-famous ExtraTerrestrial Highway. Here’s a shot of shot ET after he phoned home.
Selfies in Rachel, Nevada, where Joe Gresh made friends with an elderly waitress. She schooled Uncle Joe on the finer points of place settings, ketchup assignments, and more. You had to be there to fully appreciate the training session.  It was funny as hell.
On the ET Highway, headed toward Tonopah. The riding was incredible; the camaraderie even better.  We set a sedate pace to conserve fuel.  Everyone did over 70 mpg (even Orlando and Velma, riding two up).  Folks commented that they liked the slower pace.  I did, too.
After a night in Tonopah, it was on to Death Valley (entering from the northeast) the next morning. It was awesome. That’s Willie, Dan, and Gary.
The entire valley, as seen from Dante’s Peak. Death Valley is an exceptional destination.  If you’ve never been to Death Valley, you need to go.
The crew (from left to right) included Gary, Willie, Orlando, Rob, Velma, Dan, Leighton and me (I was on the other side of the camera).  Gresh was there, but he spun off to see Stovepipe Wells in Death Valley that afternoon.  He had his reasons.
We stayed in Shoshone our last night. The Shoshone Inn had a fun firepit outside. Gresh bought the beer. It had been a grand ride and it would end the next day.  I think we doubled the population the night we were in Shoshone.
Dinner in Shoshone. Like every meal on the road, it was awesome.
Back through Baker after a freezing early morning ride, breakfast at the Mad Greek (another great meal and a popular motorcycle stop), and then home. What a week!

We did a lot of grand trips at CSC, and it did a lot to help publicize the RX3.  Baja, the Western America Adventure Ride, the China ride, the Colombia ride, and more.  I did a similar ride for Janus Motorcycles (Janus makes another great 250cc motorcycle) through northern Baja with a couple of their execs and it, too, was awesome (you can read about that one here).  There’s a lot to getting these rides organized and there are always things that can go wrong (personalities, bike issues, etc.), but I’ve been lucky.  Every one has been a hoot!

This is a good time to buy a CSC or Janus motorcycle.  Both companies are running awesome Thanksgiving sales.   Check out both motorcycles; you’ll be glad you did!

Resurrections: 1974 MGB-GT Part 3 “Christine”

In between pouring slabs of concrete inside the shed I managed to get started on the MGB rat poo clean up. Several more doses of bleach were splashed around the interior of the car and wearing gloves and a N100 mask I started hauling junk out into New Mexico’s bright, November Sunshine. I’m hoping the Sun’s radiation will partially sterilize the hanta-contaminated bits.

And what a collection of bits! A cylinder head with the valves installed upside down along with a complete rocker assembly is the big score. I haven’t found any valve springs to go with the head but I’m guessing you can still buy those parts.

I wonder if my GT had the head replaced at some point and these are the old pieces or maybe the engine is shot and these were planned replacements? We will have to find out later because the owner died before he could finish the GT project. If you’ve ever read Steven King’s Christine you’ll have a good idea of the eerie vibe that comes from linking together the abandoned logic chain of a dead man’s life.

A real oddity is the front engine plate. These never go bad so why would an extra plate be under 6-inches of rat guano? I also dug out a tiny clutch and pressure plate that I assume fits the GT. I found several pulleys that look like they belong on a water pump and a harmonic balancer.

Two more wheels were inside, giving me 6 total. The extra wheels will come in handy as some of the tires are dry rotted and won’t hold air. I like the pressed metal Rostyle wheels, they look very mid-1970’s and are both strong and simple. Having been stored inside the car the extras are less rotted and should inflate enough to move the car from its sunken grave.

Included in the haul of parts are two carburetor heat shields, an intake manifold and a rocker cover. There’s a piece to the transmission that the shifter connects to and another shifter stick. I’ll have to get under the car to see if the transmission is all there. Then there’s the crankcase breather that bolts onto the side of the engine.

Under the back floor is a well to hold the spare tire. These tire changing chocks and emergency reflectors were nestled next to the spare. I wonder if they are original equipment?

A snazzy 1-into-2 tail pipe with muffler was inside the car also. The car was full of junk but the front seat area is relatively clear, if you don’t mind sitting in rat poo.

Christine’s original owner included three straight, non-rusted wheel trim rings with his Devil’s deal. I’m totally set for wheels now.

The funny part about all this junk is that the engine in Christine looks to be all there. Maybe the thing was rebuilt and the junk is leftovers. I can’t say, but it looks like I have plenty of parts. I have another plastic box of GT stuff still to look through. I saw a Weber carb in there and some other items of interest that we will get to later on in this resurrection.

Check out the earlier installments of the MGB GT resurrection!

Upon Further Reflection: 2020 Go-Bowen Fit Right DB003 40cc Mini Bike

When I first opened the packing on the Go-Bowen mini bike I was impressed by the quality look of the little green monster. That first impression has taken a bit of a hit as I ran into quality control issues with the Go-Bowen mostly relating to the back wheel. (So far, that is.)

The little mini came from the factory with the chain adjusted ridiculously tight. The mini would hardly roll. I loosened axle and took a few turns off the nicely made chain adjusters and all seemed well. I drained the factory engine oil and replaced it with a high grade of store brand stuff and dumped a few ounces of fuel into the gas tank.

Starting the mini was very easy. There is a primer bulb under the carburetor and a few semi-erotic squeezes later I could see the fuel flow into the clear gas lines. A bit of choke, a few easy pulls and the mini was running like it was made to run. For only 1.4 horsepower the mini has a get-go feeling. The idle was set high so I took a few turns off the idle screw. I took a hot lap of Tinfiny’s upper reaches when the chain flew off.

This was odd because I didn’t loosen the thing all that much. I pushed it back to the shop and had a look see. Turns out the axle adjusting slots are not indexed the same and to center the rear wheel in the frame you end up with the axle cocked in the adjusters.

Once I had the chain running true I noticed the rear brake caliper wiggling alarmingly. A severely wobbling disc rotor caused that problem. The thing is like 3/16” out of true. It looks as if the flange is machined wrong or the disc itself is bent. I haven’t gone any further into the disc problem yet.

The mini rides fine once you get the chain to stay on and if the thing had any more power you’d probably flip over backwards. There is a heck of a lot of noise coming from the primary chain housing so I’ll have to look inside to see what gives.

The exhaust pipe on the Go-Bowen exits directly on the rear brake cable. I will need to rig some sort of turn out to redirect the hot gasses but for now I slipped a short piece of silicone heat shielding over the cable for protection.

It was a disappointing first run with the Go-Bowen. I will work on the disc and the noisy primary situation when I get time. Even with the issues the mini still seems like it’s worth the $299 with shipping included but you’ll need to budget a few hours going over the set up fixing shoddy assembly from the factory before any long distance travel is attempted. It’s like they built a nice mini bike then had their stupidest employees assemble the thing. More will be forthcoming after repairs when I get a chance to road test the mini in true ExhaustNotes.us fashion.

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Comments, bitching, and more

Gresh’s most recent blog (The 5 Stupidest Ideas in Motorcycling) really lit up the blogosphere yesterday.  It’s a piece that got thousands and thousands of pageviews and a ton of comments.  Gresh, you see, likes to stir the pot.  And he’s pretty good at kicking beehives.  We motorcycle riders are opinionated folks with big egos and prominent buttons that Gresh knows how to push.  It makes for an entertaining mix.

We share a lot of our stuff with targeted Facebook groups (Big Tech lets us do so as long as it’s not anything from that Vinnie Bobulinski guy about Hunter Biden), and the Facebook comments were, well…let’s just say they were entertaining.  Here are a few (spelling, punctuation, capitalization, and other errors included so you get the full keyboard commando impact).  With that as an intro, here we go.

Written by a Luddite

I agree with the one piece riding suites lol, but I like everything else

Damn, dude. Just ride your own ride. Who cares what others do to enjoy their ride?

This read is more like a crybaby session than a useful blog article lol

He ain’t wrong…….

Fine article written by the worlds last typewriter repair man…

Total angry old man afraid of tech?

I feel “stupider” for even trying to read this crying, bitching, moaning “article”….

My Harley has all the technology this guy hates except the info system and intercom, and I’m glad it does.. Really don’t care with this dbag thinks

The author of that article is full of it. Seriously, what’s wrong with him?

Sounds like someone is jealous that the world and technology have moved on without them.

A couple of possible solutions are:
1. Intensive training in technology and joining a Technophobic support group.
2. Sticking to 20 year old bikes.
3. Harley still makes quite a few models that are still technological dinosaurs… I think even Royal Enfield has ABS these days on all their current models.

Leather one-piece suits are the greatest thing the motorcycling world has adopted. If you stow your clothes in your saddlebags and leave the ankles unzipped, you can just pee while you ride and it’ll funnel everything to the road where it belongs. Unzip the neck for some airflow and you’ll be riding dry in less than an hour.

Good list.

i think he is right

There’s been more than one occasion where an idiot made a left in front of me, and only the locking of the tires and slewing the bike sideways saved me.
ABS would have had me t-boning the car…

Kind of agree woth #5 but everything else this guy says is BS

Very bored ,angry little man😂🤣

I said I’d never be old enough to need a fairing or a radio. Now I wouldn’t be without either one of them. My aftermarket TPMS is a great item, especially with saddlebags, wouldn’t be without that either now.
This guy left out the kickstand, his attitude eliminates the need for that stupid gadget. Real men know they can use their helmet and save all that weight and eliminate the possibility of it catching on a log when bouncing through the woods.

Sound like someone is jealous of my Goldwing.

A boomer wrote this list.

I agree on both the ABS and the keyless ignition. Especially when they only give you one key fob. 😖

Wow … my grandad has a moto page. Who knew?

I have no experience with the ABS systems, key thingy, or one piece suits. I disagree with the comm systems, mine has made my wife and I’s two- up experience tremendously more enjoyable. My peeves are underglow lighting, and stereos. Stereos don’t belong on bikes. I can see how someone might enjoy having one, but for God’s sake man, turn that shit off when group riding. I don’t want to hear your crappy music. I usually just quietly peel off the group and go away if someone is blasting thier latest Gwar song.

Thank goodness. Thought there was going to be a debate on oil again.

Old bloke moaning warning

Absolutely agree with you.

This article may be the stupidest thing I’ve seen in motorcycling

What an absolutely stupid list. Clearly written by a technophobic, Luddite, Boomer troll.

Get off my lawn!!

Wow whoever wrote that just dated themselves . Somebody got old and refused to go with the times . All these innovations made motorcycling better . And complaining about abs for off-road use is just lazy writing : a) modern bikes have off-road abs that work amazing in the dirt ! B) abs saved probably hundreds of thousands of life’s

And this last one, which is my favorite:

It’s Joe Gresh. Nuff said…

Want more Gresh?  Hey, we’ve got it!  Check out the Gresh articles, the Resurrections, and our Product Reviews pages!

The 5 Stupidest Ideas in Motorcycling

We don’t do many listicals here at ExhaustNotes.us. Editorial policy frowns on the cheap, easy list as a lazy man’s way to get attention. However, that doesn’t mean we are completely immune to the meth-like attraction of lists. The thing is, click-bait lists are nearly impossible to get right. Whatever harebrained idea you’ve thought of to generate more clicks, and hopefully shares, will be blown out of the water in the comments section by people much, much smarter than you. And that’s ok, that’s why listicals are so popular.  It’s a way to piss people off and generate interest.

Number 1: ABS Brakes

I don’t know which lawyer came up with the idea, but it had to be a lawyer. Full-time Antilock Brake Systems are the single most dangerous feature on modern motorcycles. Just a month ago my buddy forgot to disarm his BMW’s antilock system after a trailside nap. (The BMW system defaults to “on” whenever you shut off the bike.) After we started riding again the trail turned steeply downhill. The steepness of the descent meant that rain washed away any fine sands and left behind large rocks and boulders. His BMW rolled and rolled.  All attempts at braking were futile and so naturally he crashed. The bike was basically freewheeling down a rocky hill. At least his BMW had the option to opt out of ABS.

There’s no sicker feeling than panic stomping on the brakes and nothing happens. Any motorcycle that even slightly hints at off road capability should come with a means of disabling the ABS. For that matter practically every street bike has been known to travel a dirt road or two so really all motorcycles should come with the ability to disarm the ABS. These aren’t cars we’re talking about here. Many occasions call for a motorcycle rider to lock up the rear wheel and sometimes (like on that rocky downhill) lock up the front wheel.

Number 2: Keyless Ignitions

Those electronic key fobs are a stupid solution to a problem nobody had. What is wrong with a plain old key? You know, the kind you can have a duplicate made almost anywhere? The stupid electronic-proximity widgets are huge, like the size of a Krispy Kreme doughnut. They are bulky in your pocket and you’ve got to keep a good battery in them just to start your bike! God help you if you ever lose the thing. It will require a dealer’s services and several hundred dollars to program your new Kreme.

Most times I’ve ridden a bike that came with a clunky electronic key fob I ended up leaving the thing in the saddlebag or hidden on the bike somewhere. This defeats the purpose of having any sort of lock on your motorcycle at all but I’d rather have the bike stolen than carry that stupid key fob. I suspect the real reason for the electronic key fob is to allow constant surveillance at the factory level. Didn’t make that latest payment? No problem we’ll disable your ride until you cough up the cash, Highway Rebel!

Number 3: Helmet Communicators

These silly devices allow passenger to operator conversation or communication between groups of riders. Precisely the thing you’re trying to get away from when you ride a motorcycle. Look, if I want to know what you’re thinking, which I don’t, I’ll wave you to a stop and we will discuss it hand to hand. The advertisements for these Zen-terrupters tout range and clarity as if those are aspirational goals. I might buy a set if the manufacturer promised me the damn things would never work.

Some of you find pleasure in the constant road-chatter. Not me, I want you to keep your thoughts to yourself and I’ll do the same. Some of you think that communication devices are a good way to warn back markers about road conditions. That assumes anyone will actually believe you after that last bone-headed move you pulled leaving the Waffle House. Then I’m told they are good for keeping the group together so that stragglers won’t get lost. Has it ever occurred to these pro-communication, Chatty Cathy’s that the stragglers want to get lost? That maybe they are sick of your yapping about fence posts, tar snakes and how you want everyone to stop because you have to pee. Aren’t you old enough to go to the bathroom alone?

Some of my most memorable group-ride dinnertime discussions have been a result of the group breaking up, missing turns, getting lost and arriving at the restaurant with wild stories to tell. That won’t happen if everyone has had the exact same experience. “Did you see the size of that buck?” is met with a flat-toned chorus, “Yes, we all heard over the radio and saw the buck.” rather than “No, but the hitch hikers we picked up when we made that wrong turn robbed us at gunpoint and then Phil ran off with the redhead.” Remember, the best part of riding in a group is being alone.

Number 4: Entertainment Systems

This includes stupid Bluetooth, interconnecting phone features, stupid music systems and stupid, play-pretty graphics that distract a motorcyclist from the main job at hand: staying alive. Riding a motorcycle is dangerous enough without the rider fiddling around with the dash display on his motorcycle. Engine RPM and velocity, along with distance traveled is all the data you need to correctly operate a motorcycle. Page after page of bright, TFT-BS will only make you worry about the minor fluctuations any mechanical device goes through in the normal prosecution of its job.

No one ever cared about their tire pressures until those TPS systems polluted the instrument panels of America. Now it’s like everyone is running Moto GP and 1 psi really matters. Stop it! And if your idea of a fun motorcycle ride is playing with the stereo and poking your thumb at 45 different handlebar buttons maybe you should quit changing the display settings and just stay at home with your younger brother’s Nintendo. The one your parents made him put down in the basement so the noise won’t bother your mom’s overly sensitive ears. Doesn’t it seem like the older she gets the more sound annoys her?

Number 5: One-Piece Riding Suits on the Street

I know some riders swear by one-piece suits but don’t take their opinion on the subject, take mine. I had a one-piece leather suit 43 years ago and the trauma from that experience still haunts me. Many a night I wake up in a cold sweat having to use the restroom but mentally stuck inside a one-piece suit. I can see road racers wearing one piece suits for the extra protection they afford during high-speed get-offs. If you’re riding your street bike anything like a Moto GP star you should probably not be riding on the street. Sure, they look great in website road test photos but those guys are only riding the bike for 15 minutes at a time. As soon as the camera stops clicking they peel that crap off toot-sweet.

For normal, everyday riding a one-piece suit is incredibly inconvenient. There are only a few things more disgusting than using a filthy, urine-soaked gas station toilet and one of them is using a filthy, urine-soaked gas station toilet while wearing a one-piece riding suit. Once you wiggle out of the top and drop your drawers you’ll soon realize that there is not enough space between the lip of the toilet and the urine-soaked floor for all that material. It’s like trying to corral your parachute in France after you’ve landed behind enemy lines on June 6th, 1944. Ok, I have no idea what that’s really like but you kind of sit there holding the bag: Practice hovering if you simply must mimic Marc Marquez on your Honda Blah.

I have more stupid motorcycle things, many more, but 5 is a good number to stop at. I mean, I may have to test some of these stupid motorcycle ideas and I don’t want to use up all my outrage in one story.

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Dream Bike: Ossa Pioneer

The styling of the 250cc Ossa Pioneer is what attracted me to the bike in the first place. I loved the old-fashioned, pin-striped black panels over the orange base. It was like some sort of cheerful, horse drawn funeral wagon. That cool rear fender extension gave the bike a flat track look that I have been a sucker for since forever.

The Spanish built Ossa’s bodywork was fiberglass, the original miracle plastic that many manufacturers used back in the late 1960s and 1970s. Unfortunately, modern alcohol laced fuel plays hell with fiberglass so the use of the miracle plastic has faded. Rotocast, alcohol resistant, poly-some-such-crap has taken its place. The new stuff is not without its problems as I’ve had fuel tanks that were exposed to sunlight crumble into dust. (Don’t leave your weed whacker in the back of a pickup truck for 6 months.) I’m assuming that problem has been fixed because the IMS rotocast tank on the Husky has held up fine for 5 years.

The Ossa was similar in construction to a Bultaco but where there were four or five Bultacos running around the town where I grew up there were no Ossas. So maybe rarity has something to do with my fascination with the brand.

The cycle magazines of that era praised the Ossa for its handling and generally good off road manners. One road tester stuck a spare plug in the Ossa’s fiberglass rear fender storage area and then complained when the loose plug beat a hole in the compartment…after riding trails. Even as a young whippersnapper I knew you couldn’t let stuff bounce around on a dirt bike. I felt the Ossa name was sullied for no good reason and if it was me that did something so stupid (and I have) I would have kept quiet about the situation.

I saw a Pioneer race motocross out at Haney Town a long time ago. Tuned softer than a MX engine, the Ossa grunted around the track fairly well. The rider was talented in the art of crossing-up and wasted valuable energy and time showboating over each jump. Still, it had the desired effect. I wanted an Ossa bad.

Ossa prices are still very reasonable as they are still not popular. A couple grand should get a fairly clean runner and that’s some cheap vintage dirt riding my brothers. The bikes are easy to fix and I’m sure you could order any part need from some hole-in–the–wall bike shop over in Spain. Just remember to use non-ethanol fuel or your gas tank will turn mushy inside.

Later Pioneers, called Super Pioneers, were styled in a more modern fashion and don’t tug at my heart like the old ones. I guess it’s a little odd to want a motorcycle that you’ve never ridden and only seen one running many years ago at a motocross race. Stranger still is my defense of the Pioneer’s rear fender compartment, but that’s the way love works. It sinks its hooks into you and the pain never subsides. You never forget your first Ossa and one of these days I’ll have my very own Ossa Pioneer.

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Hasty Conclusions: 2020 Go-Bowen Fit Right DB003 40cc Mini Bike

I keep hearing a complaints about Globalism. People are talking. Some folks don’t like the idea of making the world’s population one homogenous group of consumer/aphids to be milked by evil corporations. I get that and it bothers me that a mini bike that cost $250 dollars in 1970 now costs only $44 adjusted for dollar devaluation. That’s right, this Fit Right Chinese-built mini bike costs less in real dollars than a really long, long-distance telephone call did in 1970.

In some ways that old 1970 mini bike was better. It had a couple more horses than the DB003’s 1 horsepower. It was made in the USA, which helped support local businesses. I think the fit and finish on the Fit Right DB003 is at least as good or better than an average vintage mini, maybe not as good as a Rupp but then nothing was as good as a Rupp. As far as reliability goes, those flathead, loop framed, scrub-braked minis were not a vehicle you could ever assume you’d get back home on. Time will tell if the Fit Right holds up.

I’m in the middle of a back porch remodel so I only have time to do a short review on what I’ve found unboxing the Fit Right. A more thorough road test and video will be forthcoming.

The Fit Right DB003 comes fairly well packed in bubble wrap and then molded Styrofoam all stuffed inside a heavy cardboard box. The cardboard is thick and strong, it’s too good to throw away. I’ll be using it for a working pad to cover the dirt and ants while tinkering under the MBG-GT. Even though the mini was packaged well a ragged hole was punched into the side and parts were rattling around.

Once out of the packaging the Fit Right mini comes fully assembled except for the handlebars. It only took a few minutes to install the bars after a few hours searching for a 10mm socket. The bars are held on by four bolts/nuts and one of the nuts had gone missing. It probably fell out of the hole. Luckily I had a spare 8mm locknut left over from a roof rack installation.

The fit and finish on this $299 (shipping included!) Fit Right mini bike are pretty good. The graphics on the plastic gas tank cover are molded in so you won’t have any cheap, stick-on labels peeling off. The real gas tank under the plastic is made of steel. One odd thing is that there are no steering stops: the forks bang into the gas tank at full lock. This mini bike is smaller than usual; I’ll need to rig some bar-risers to clear my knees.

The Fit Right Model 139F, 40cc, overhead valve engine is jewel-like. Its castings look smooth and there is no rough mold flashing at the edges. The frame is fairly complex design with a lot of tubes and angles that don’t seem to make any sense. I suspect the stylists threw a couple extra pipes in the mix to make the mini look cool. Welds are pretty good, much better than I can do. The Fit Right even has folding foot pegs, a rare feature on the old mini bikes.

Unusual for such an economy mini motorcycle the Fit Right came with a flimsy but usable tool kit, something lacking on a $40,000 Harley-Davidson. For $299 you can’t expect Japanese-level quality, however I’m satisfied with the DB003’s presentation and the easy assumption of owner-provided care.

There are some interesting things on this bike that I need to look into later. For instance the fuel tank has a return line and a feed line but no fuel shut off. The engine has a fuel pump because in stationary-engine uses the fuel tank mounts below the carburetor. The carb itself is odd looking. It may be a diaphragm type carb like on a chain saw. The drive train is double reduction and I’ve just got to know what is under the nifty cast aluminum primary cover. The rear brake is a mechanical disc, which is a huge improvement over the old-fashioned scrub brake that simply rubbed on the tire. I don’t like that the hot exhaust exits directly onto the brake cable. I need to turn the exhaust tip more downwards.

The Fit Right DB003 is quite a bit more sophisticated than your traditional double-loop mini of days gone by. Whether this added sophistication equates to better performance remains to be seen. As soon as I get time I’ll get the mini running and ExhaustNotes.us will have performance numbers and a riding impression.

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